A REVIEW FROM FAR, FAR AWAY...

*trumpets playing* This is CJ, your tour guide for the Idol edition of Far, Far Away. You may recognize this place from the movie Shrek. On the DVD, there was a special bonus American Idol feature on there which I always loved so I thought I would take that and incorporate it into my review this week.

As many of you know, Kellie Pickler is gone. Much of my mocking was directed towards her and now it is gone. I will try my best to still be funny while not dumping unnecessary hate on other people. It will be hard, but I will try. Be strong. Be strong.

And so it begins... rushing through the performances because goshdarnit there isn't enough time.

The El-Train is up first and of course, he is Shrek. Not to say he hasn't been looking quite scrumptious lately because he has, but most people would agree he will never grace the cover of GQ. Elliot was born in 1978 and he has always had those big, beautiful eyes. Perhaps they will help him On Broadway. I questioned the song choice at first because above all I prefer El to sing soulful, bluesy songs. That's his thang. However, I thought he did a fine job on this and way to have some confidence!

Next we have P-Bennett. Hey - Diddy did it why not her? I have dubbed Paris Gingy aka the Gingerbread Man, or Girl. Why is this? Well, because she's sweet and she's one tough little cookie. Tonight she is an X-rated cookie because she is singing Kiss by Prince. *gets jiggy with it* "You don't need to talk dirty momma.." This is a song by a man who has songs titled Cream, Peach and Erotic City. And has lyrics like 'lets get to ramming' and 'all the jockeys that were there before me'. I felt like I was watching the movie Thirteen or Lolita. Wrong. Just wrong. The singing itself wasn't all that horrific - its just not a singer's song. I will file that performance under 'never watch again'.

*faints* Its Prince Charming Chris Daughtry! Although Chris is reportedly MUCH sweeter than Charming and I believe it. People can bash him and complain that he gets unfair treatment and pimping. But the dude has real talent, mass appeal and is a heck of a nice guy and a family man. Hate the producers. Not Chris. Tonight his first ditty will be Styx's Renegade. I about fainted when I heard that he was singing this. I only wish he had been able to do more of the song. It was excellent - ALMOST as good as Hemorrage was. I am convinced nothing will top it. I don't think he was 'a million' times better than Elliot and Paris but the general praise was deserved.

We go from charming to lovely with Katharine aka Princess Fiona. Her performance of Against All Odds demonstrated exactly why I relate her to the aforementioned Shrek character. Sometimes Kat is elegant, sexy and her voice is pitch perfect. On rare occasions, nights much like tonight, she turns into an ogre. It wasn't AS bas as I've heard some people say it was (aka Simon Cowell) but it was still bad. It's my fault really. I wanted her to sing this song. I got my wish and it didn't work out. She still looked great though. Crap. I'm starting to sound like Paula. This is not good.

The last contender in Round One is Taylor Hicks. And who else could Taylor be, but the Shrek character with abounding energy - Donkey! Not being mean to Taylor. Donkey is my favorite character. Mr. Hicks has chosen the ultimate karaoke song - 'Play That Funky Music' by Wild Cherry. I could hear Simon's comments before he even said them. However, I didn't echo his sentiments. I thought it was fun, energetic and very unkaraokeish. Falling on the floor was a bit over the top, but what about Taylor isn't over the top really?

*we now pause for a brief commercial break*

And we're back with Shrek again. He has opted to go with a Michael Buble song about going home. Seriously, I know these things are really meaningless but it is not wise to send subliminal messages to the voting public. I don't care HOW good you can sing. I'm not crazy about the song and I was really hoping he might sing Rascal Flatts, but it wasn't to be. His voice sounded beautiful, but the whole performance didn't get me excited. I hope the Yaminions did their job and voted their little butts off.

Paris has her second chance to wow us enough to decide she's worthy of staying another week. Don't get me wrong - I love the girl. I just think she could stand to take time to just be a girl before she hits the big time. Princess P is tackling the great Mary J and doing a pretty good job. There were a couple of pitch things, but overall it was quite a bit better than her firts performance. I still think she's toast, but I thought Kellie Pickler was toast about 523 different times before she actually did leave. So you just never know.

Roll out the carpet and summon the trumpters - it's Prince Daughtry again. This time he will sing a rock song.. oh wait.. the last one was a rock song too. And the one before that. Aw, screw it - its what he does best. His song was 'I Dare You' by Shinedown. What does he dare me to do? Make out with him in the closet? Chris, its not a dare if its something the person WANTS to do. Read the truth or dare rulebook again. Geez. I will admit that yes it was obvious his voice was straining big time during the screaming parts at the end of the song. I'll forgive him though. It wasn't really painful to listen to. Remember - I listen to bands like this ALL the time. It doesn't matter. He's as safe as banging your head off of the wall in a padded room.

Now let's see if we can turn Katharine back into a princess. I don't care for the ogre side of her. She has chosen that really catchy KT Tunstall song and she has chosen to sing it on her knees. Interesting. Should someone bring the pole out left over from Paris's first song? Just a thought. Unfortunately I have heard KT's version of this song so I can tell you Kat's was not as good. That said, it was still an excellent performance. She was back to being that Kat that I and many other people love. No more Phil Collins. Please.

We wrap up the show with Donkey singing a Beatles song. Yes TECHNICALLY that song is on the current Top Ten charts, but Taylor did kind of get away with one there. It's honestly about time because somehow he gets screwed over a lot with song choices. Last week comes to mind. I am not the only person who would have rather seen him sing 'Try A Little Tenderness' I can tell you that much. This is a slower song and Mr. Hicks is not usually as good on anything where he can't jump around like a grasshopper. I thought it was really good. A solid night for Taylor. He needed it.

To me, Chris and Taylor have nothing to worry about tonight. The other three - not so much. In a perfect world, Elliot does not deserve to go because he sang well despite the fact that I didn't like his song choices. It's likely that Paris will be gone, but Kat's poor performance on her first song could be enough to send her packing.

Stay tuned next week for the young and the talentless...

Kidding. I just had to say that.