I'm in a New York state of mind

(First of all my VCR skills failed me once again and I didn't tape Memphis night. I did however find an audition video of Sunshine Head on YouTube and found him to be spectacular. I did catch a couple of other people on Memphis night who I liked including Osama Bin Laden's doppelganger.)

Start spreadin' the news. New York's got talent. Of course there were quite a few less talented, even psychotic hopefuls last night, but so far The Big Apple has impressed me the most. Not saying that the best singer so far was there, but the overall best talent.

Let's recap the evening, shall we?

First was someone who was only spectacular in his own mind. One of the reasons I suspect he has two psychiatrists. I do remember him from So You Think You Can Dance. They asked the judges once about memorable moments during auditions and I believe it was Nigel who mentioned good ol' Ian Benardo. There really are more people getting escorted out by security this year. He should have rushed Simon trying to put 'hair gel' in his hair. Or whatever passed for hair gel in There's Something About Mary.

Next we met Sarah Burgess. I have special interest in Sarah because she is from East Palestine, Ohio which is pretty much in my 'hood. She has a nice voice and she'd better or potentially angering daddy was all for nothing. I don't know at this point if she could make Top 24 because of all the talent, but I guess she has just as much as shot as most of them. Interestingly enough Ian Benardo is a friend on her MySpace. I am not sure how to take that.

I won't say much about Fania from Greece. I will commend her for being way original and singing Africa by Toto, but it was a bad audition song and I didn't think her voice was horrendous. Sometimes you just have to put a little more thought into the song you sing. Or that you came to the audition dressed like the character from My Big Fat Greek Wedding BEFORE the makeover. Nia Vardalos would be ashamed.

Next was a familiar face in Ashanti Johnson. First of all, I don't know that I'd go through the agony of coming back and auditioning after I'd already been to Hollywood twice and gotten turned down. That's just me. Ashanti really does have a nice voice, but she chose a difficult song that showcased the fact that she has an old fashioned voice which is what the judges didn't like about her. And then she begged. It is true that the judges are looking for a certain something in people, but if you don't have it you can't pretend that you do. 'Nuff said.

*gasp!* It's Paris and Nicole! Oh, no. It's just Amanda and Antonella. Weren't they a pretty pair. Randy and Simon thought so. I know how their dirty minds work. I'll bet afterwards they wrote a song together about tequila and a hot tub. At least those girls were of age unlike what Paula usually goes after. They tried to go with a duet first, but it wasn't a really a duet so much as one sang one line and the other sang the next. At any rate, it didn't work. Amanda sang solo first going with Crazy by Patsy Cline. I thought she had a nice voice. Not one of the best I've heard but worthy of Hollywood. Well, Antonella did her one better which is why I fear this will not end well for these best friends. They really are an awful lot like Paris and Nicole except they can actually sing in tune.

It didn't end well for Clifton Biddle. He, again, tried to be original by going with ZZ Top. The problem was that he kind of screamed it. Not in a good Chris Daughtry kind of way either. Then something strange happened. He was asked to do another song and he did. Only he didn't sing. Rule #573 of American Idol auditions: Most people who do not impress the judges on the first song do not get a chance to do a second so if you do - sing another freakin' song.

Next up was Kia Thornton. She went with the Anna Kearns method and sang some Aretha. Girl really can SANG. She oversang it a bit, but she is definitely talented. She reminded me of something I can never figure out with these auditions sometimes. If you can sing that well, how can you not know it? Is there such a thing as reverse tone deafness?

What we needed now was a man to step up to the plate. Jenry Bejarano did it and did it well. Boy is 16 years old, looks like Tyrese Gibson and can sing Gerald Levert like a pro. I am hella impressed. Paula was too. In fact, I thought she was going to do something to get herself arrested. If you really want something that bad, you can wait a couple of years for it. Mmmmkay? If school teachers can't get away with it, neither can reality show judges.

Up next was Nakia Claiborne singing Dancing In The Street. She was full of energy and had kind of an old time Motown kind of voice. Nakia blew it with the second song though. I thought she could sing. Wouldn't have made it too much further considering the serious talent this year, but she wasn't awful. It broke my heart to see her cry. Not really but I thought it sounded caring.

I had trouble finding words for the next audition if you can call it that. If Ian needs two psychologists, then Sarah Goldberg needs ten of them. I hope to God that was an act because if not then someone needs a straight jacket pronto. Yes I do believe you don't have to sing to be an "American Idol". However, you do have to sing and sing well to win the singing competition called American Idol. With the title comes the skills that earn you that title. Gosh. I would have given Napoleon Dynamite more credit than her.

Antonio Torres, Jr. is 47 years old. I thought there was an age limit here.

Simon looked to be really hot for the next contestant, Jory Steinberg. I'm a chick and I agree she is hot. Jory went with an obscure song also - Chains by Tina Arena. She has a really nice, controlled voice. I would have actually liked to hear her sing a different song but I would have given her the golden ticket no matter what. I like Jory. And Simon would like to see Jory in chains. On a bed.

Getting down to the wire here we met the American Idol soldier. No, not Josh Gracin. Porcelana Patino. I really do admire her dedication although I'm not really sure how running and sit ups and stuff helps you sing better but she wound up with one heck of a body. She sang some Mary J and despite the fact that it was an R&B song she kind of reminds me of a female Chris Daughtry. Kind of a rough, gravelly voice. Edgy. It's what I would aspire to be as a singer. So she gets my stamp of approval.

Christopher Henry does not look like Simon Cowell. At all. Whoever told him that should be tied up with whoever gave "The Hotness" her nickname. Chris can actually sing, but his voice is so... feminine. I hate to agree with Simon but he should be in a drag show. He'd be great. Seriously. And JD - if no one has brought this up a Kelly Clarkson song worked for Kelly Pickler. Since Youve Been Gone...

Rachel Zevita is an interesting chick. She has kind of a hippy vibe to her, but she sings opera. It's kinda cool. On that Jeff Buckley song she reminded me SO much of Alanis Morrisette. It'll be interesting to see what she does in the competition. I'm not head over heels for her though.

Next bringing Sexyback was Chris Richardson. He sang A Song For You made Idol famous by one Elliott Yamin. I definitely could see the J. Timb comparison visually and vocally. Simon is right. He could be surprising. We'll have to wait and see.

Second time was hopefully a charm for Nicholas Pedro. I actually vaguely remember him from last season. Still do not know how you could mess up the words to Buttercup. It may be one of the easiest songs to sing. Nevertheless, He really has an awesome voice. I think Paula was about to climb over the table and jump him. I'd like to see him go pretty far.

And I won't even comment on Isadora. There is nothing to say that hasn't already been said. Except that watching her was a waste of five minutes of my life. They would have been better spent picking blades of grass one by one.

Birmingham, next week I dare you to one up the big NYC.

The talent this year scares me. No offense to last season but this year will blow it out of the water.

SEATTLE GRUNGE - LITERALLY

So its recap time again. Idol travels back to Seattle, a city where they should apparently have never gone back to. (YOU WILL NOTICE THAT THIS RECAP IS A TEENSY BIT DIFFERENT THAN THE ONE ON THE IDOL BOARDS. THIS ONE IS UNCENSORED. HEHEHE)

I promise you once we get down to the Top 24 or so the gloves WILL come off.

To prove the theory true that Idol should have never returned to this city, Brandon from good ol' West Virginia made a special guest appearance. I guess it wasn't the city of Seattle's fault that he traveled all the way there clad in an Uncle Sam outfit or that he sang God Bless America worse than he sang I Shot The Sheriff. He may have sung them equally bad actually, but the main point is that it is Brandon's fault and his fault alone. I forgive you Seattle.

Next we had Jennifer aka "the hotness". The person who gave her that nickname and the person who told her she sang like Mariah Carey should be tied up and forced to listen to William Hung's CD for 48 hours straight. And then possibly be shot. I thought Simon was a bit mean when he told her she could stick her gum on Taylor Hicks' face. Mean to Taylor. Jennifer's high notes were painful and it was not a good audition song even if she could sing. She could have sang 'Promiscuous Girl' and at least then it would have been funny.

It was Amy the mom's turn to audition. I'm not being rude, but didn't something about her remind you of Jabba The Hut? Seriously. She went with Christina Aguilera which, honestly, unless you are an unbelievable singer you should never sing one of her songs to audition for Idol. Amy asked for water. Unfortunately it was not magical water. If it was magical water it would have stolen Xtina's voice and given it to Amy and would have also made her a Size 2.

Then there was Misha. I don't even know what to say about her or her mom for that matter. No one can seriously sing "Don't Cha" at an Idol audition. You'd have to be joking to do that. Well, Misha wasn't joking but it did make for one of the funniest auditions ever. Funny and scary. More scary than funny come to think of it.

Finally, the light came on. It was Tommy Daniels who flipped the switch. He was so good that I found it hard to believe he'd been passed on by Idol twice before. The judges even loved his dog. Tommy could make Top 24.

Back downhill we went with Melissa Stavros. Was it just me or were her arms too big for her body? Not being cruel. They just were. She also chose to sing a Christina song. Please hit me for saying this, but a few of the notes in there weren't bad. If she had chosen something less daring to sing, it could have been alright. Definitely not the next American Idol, but alright. Of course, she'd have to do some major work on the image too. They bringing The Swan back?

Next was Blake who I felt was the best guy in Seattle. They've had beatbox type guys on the show before, but I don't think any of them could sing. If I could compare Blake to anyone I think he sounds a lot like the lead singer of Maroon 5. That's a heck of a compliment. At first I thought Justin Timberlake, but really more Maroon 5.

Short note about David Mills from Kansas. He sang Lean On Me. It was bad.

Then we found a couple of siblings who could sing. Shyamali and Sanjaya found themselves facing the judges. Sister sang Summertime and sang it well. As Paula said, really subtle but definitely good enough for Hollywood. Her brother was next with some Stevie Wonder and was awesome. Since he's young I think they'll really push for him to make Top 24.

Someone who will not be making the Top 24,000 even was Nick Zitzmann. I love to see someone butcher Unchained Melody just for Simon's reaction. Everyone knows that's his favorite song, so I'm quite sure it bothered him. I could have sung that better. Mili Vanilli could have sung that better.

Back to some goodness with Rudy, originally from Venezuela. He sang Journey which struck a chord with Randy. I think he was pretty good. Simon seemed to not like him at all which I didn't get. Rudy was good though. Sad thing is some day he's going to turn into a hobbit and befriend Frodo Baggins.

Not so much good were Kenneth and Jonathan. They did have a lot in common. They couldn't sing. Simon, Paula and Randy all agreed on that. Who says a really weird looking Oompa Loompa and Augustus Gloop can't be best friends?

And now the man that inspired the title of this recap - Eric the hairdresser. First of all, I would never let that man cut my hair. Second of all, he is no Taylor Hicks. Taylor could probably sue him for defamation of character. The singing was basically drunk karaoke. Pretty much. Simon even thought so. Was he the first person that had to get escorted out by security? Who knows what was in that container. Could have been hair gel, could have been... something else.

Next was the very tall Anna. Like, really tall. With a big girl came a big voice. She does sound an awful lot like Aretha so its fitting she sang Respect. I would have liked her to sing something a little more low key cause she was loud, but I liked her. She's young too.

Another bright spot was Jordin. Sixteen years old and a really powerful voice. Where many butcher the high notes she was perfect on them. There's a good chance we'll see her in the Top 24.

Last up was, well, I'm really not sure what he was, but his name was Steven. Ryan Seacrest couldn't have said it better. It was Bohemian Crapsody. I don't know how he could have thought it was good or that anyone could coach him to do better. *shakes head* Honestly I'd watch my back if I were Simon because that man may be a serial killer. He was a Queen killer - I know that much. That made me take back everything I said about Kellie Pickler's version of Bohemian Rhapsody.

Well, on to Memphis next week so hopefully Elvis will leave the building and we'll find some great voices! Or tone deaf people who think they have great voices.

Until next times guys and dolls.